i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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