What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize