Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
