I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize