I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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