It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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