there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Don't make out with my wife yet
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
