I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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