I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
