Don't make out with my wife yet
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
