There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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