take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
