WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
