Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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