If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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