I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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