Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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