I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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