At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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