You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
