Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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