You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
