Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
