she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
