even my farts smell like vagina
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize