There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
