Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
