I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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