there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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