Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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