Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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