I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
