that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Someone came in the potted fern
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
