If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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