Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
