just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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