My friends, they love my intelligence
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
