the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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