Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
