Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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