I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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