so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
