I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize