honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
