it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
