On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
