I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
