mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
