I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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