turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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