So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
