Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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