At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
