my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
