Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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