You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
they're like a gay fantastic four
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
