Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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