he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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