I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
