I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
