Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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