I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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