Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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